Transcribed by Holly Hobbie from dictation received directly from God. And God.
And God, and God, and God.
These are Gods’ rulings on various corporations-qua-people’s religious beliefs’ approved effects and emendations to ACA doctrine. If you don’t like what you read, do not blame the messenger, please; I am just a doll in calico, provided for entertainment purposes only.
The Church of the Bodhi Tree
No medical coverage of any kind. We embrace impermanence, for ourselves, for you, and for however many children you may have.
The Trembling Quiverers Sect
Procreation prohibited, thus coverage for birth control, but not for pre-natal or natal care.
The Order of the Ostrich
Silently to self: “Let’s not think about why someone might seek out Plan B.”
The Shortage of Scarcity Sect
Denied. If someone else gets birth control, there must be something I am not getting.
The Order of Orthotics
Prescription insoles covered up to $1000, every other year.
Just wear these: they’ll have the same effect as any other method.
The Gaggle of St. Francis
ACL surgery for deer is covered. People: nah.
The Right Reverend Akin’s Church of Magical Thinking
The body has its own way of shutting the whole thing down. If it’s legitimate.
The Deflecting Detour Denomination
If she wants an IUD, she can just get another job.
The Church of Sisters Thelma and Louise
What’s the point? Let’s get outta here.
The Convent of Sister Mary Ignatius Explains it All to You
No birth control. Women’s trip to ER for injuries resulting from spousal abuse are covered, with a discount on co-pay. If you are in a same-sex relationship and experience spousal abuse—what???
Church of Revlon™
This lipstick will make everyone want you.
After that, you’re on your own.
The Paleo Church.
We do it all ourselves, old-school.
Church of Mary Mag
Individual Incentive Plan. “Pal, things are a little tight right now. Could you leave $100 in the jar by the door so I don’t have to ask you for child support later on? And if you talk me up to some others, I may be able to give a discount next time.”
Church of Personal Responsibility
Drunken fall down stairs, broken ankle: covered.
Texting while driving, broken leg: covered.
Extreme yoga competition, pulled groin muscle: covered.
IUD to avoid unplanned pregnancy: that’s your personal responsibility.
The Church of the Weight Police
BMI Too High? No health care, period.
The Liberation Theology Theorem
This is an improvement in health care options. The ACA was designed by the government to oppress us citizens, so removal of any benefit is an act of emancipation.
Church of the Running Number
Just count. (There’s an app.)
Church of Joe Smith
All plural wives—that is, wiveses—get fertility treatment, whether or not they want it.
The Oneida Community’s Silver Rule
The “Wait Until You’re Older” Method: have as much sex as you want, once you have completed menopause.
The Church of Sappho
Why would we need birth control? Ha!
The Church of Academia
Who has the time?
The MRA Bro Bunch
We don’t cover IUDs or Plan B for men. So covering them for women is anti-male.
The Church of the Amazon
We’ll take care of it ourselves, thanks.
The Coven of Lysistrata
Sorry, guys. We’re closed for the season.
—Posted by IAmNotMakingUp