Sounds Like “Conquer™”

shutterstock_176789360

“In order for me to process your financial “paperwork,” I need you to designate me as a delegate in your Conquer™ profile.”  Go to this link: conquertmdotdotdot and fill in the required information.

Welcome to Conquer™!
To fill in your profile, you must go to the “training” site.  Click here: trainingdotdotdot and fill in the required information.

Welcome to the training site!
Click here to log in: personneldotdotdot.  Don’t forget to look for the security features:

  • the name of the most famous professor in your department;
  • the image of a baseball; and
  • the name of your longest-lived dog (those belonging to domestic partners that [or which] you never walked are ineligible).

Welcome to your meProfile™.

Please answer the following questions so that we may better your needs and serve them.

  • Which is your favorite Mozart Piano Sonata?

 K. 332
 K. 283
 K. 545
 Op. 111

  • Which mythological character do you most resemble in personality and experience?  (Physical appearance is irrelevant, ostensibly.)

 Snow White
 Cinderella
 Isis—from The Shazam! Isis Power Hour.
 Ruth Crawford See—What is her correct name, anyway?
No, really; which one:
 Snow White
 Cinderella

 Flatten Tummy
 Full Body Slimming (whichever interpretation of that you prefer)
 Minimize Bust
 Enhance Bust
 Create Curves
 Camouflage
 Conceal Thigh(s) (indicate which)
 Barbecue Wings
 I’ll go to the beach once I have tenure.

  • At what point in your career do you plan to notice that your brain resides in a body?

 When my back gives out after 30 years of hunching over my tablet inputting data.
 When I am granted tenure.
 When I retire.  I hear all the emeriti meet up at the gym and talk Boulez.  (I am not making this up.)
 What?!

Congratulations!  You are .05% done!  please plug in your laptop.

Reserve Battery Power

Congratulations!  You have set your MeProfile™!
You may proceed to 
Financial Information.  Click here: financialinfodotdodot.

Assign a financial proxy to your profile:

  • From the Profile tab, click Financial Proxy tab.
  • Click Add, then begin typing, and the wrong individual’s name will appear within three characters.
  • Check off the functions you would prefer to foist on your FP so as never to hear anything about them again:

 Can receive emails
 Can read emails
 Can reply to emails
 Can forward emails
 Can receive your reimbursement in his/her account via direct deposit.

  • Select which email notifications will received by this person:

  When a cappuccino claim is submitted.
($30 Starbucks allotment daily, in addition to per diem.  Affidavit required for lactose-intolerance upgrade.)
  When a cash advance is denied. (We don’t do cash advances; remember?)
  When the status of an expense report changes from “submitted” to “lost.”
  When five episodes of Fringe  show on receipts—accidentally, because they were ordered by another hotel guest.
  When the professional-travel free-range hyphen-abundant mean meat prohibition (the “Portlandia Protocol”) is violated.
  When airline destroys musical instrument and says, “Sorry!  Well, actually not.  You signed the waiver.”

Important Security Bulletin:

You must input a mobile phone number so that Conquer™ may contact you via text message 24/7/365-6.  When traveling to a destination with a present or anticipated travel risk, it is your responsibility to make arrangements in advance to ensure that you will have uninterrupted mobile phone access for the duration of your stay.

Future Plans

In order that we may continue to impose our service, please tell us what your goals are for the next 7 years.  Please choose from the options provided.
1.  If a Dean granted you one wish, would it be:

 tenure

2.  What’s the professional issue you are most concerned about:

 tenure

3.  After what event do you plan to catch up on everything you are not able to do due to being overcommitted?

 tenure

4.  If you are granted tenure, what will your next goal be?

 tenure

Survey

If you would like to help us with one more minute of your time, you will be entered to win a link!

Would you like to participate in the survey?
 Yes

What would be the best alternate name for our service?
 Canker
 Kafka
 Kafka’s Canker
 Kafka? Come on!  What are you, still an undergrad?  From the 80s?
 Cancun

Congratulations!  You have won access to this link (30 days, non-exclusive, restrictions apply).
We look forward to serving you next time.  

Have a great time with that chapter!

—Posted by IAmNotMakingUp

Advertisements