Life Is Long

“Life is short; play with your dog.”
—Joe’s bumper

“Life is short; play with your human; they’ll give you lots of treats.”
—Joe’s dog

“Life is long; write everything down, and get Netflix.  Don’t forget to vaccinate.  Watch out for those death panels.”
—Joe’s mother-in-law

“Life is long.  Take ‘er easy, but take ‘er.  Teach your kids lots of tunes.  They’ll be grateful, and they’ll make lots of friends.  If your hands get tired, they’ll come by to play the music you taught them, and they’ll pass it on too.  Others will travel from afar and be envious of your deep roots and rich culture.  (Some of them won’t leave.)  And remember all your funny stories, because they’ll love hearing them.  (Make sure to tell your son how much you love his biscuits and lemon pie, and he’ll make them for you every chance he gets.  More often than for he makes them for his girlfriend, but she won’t mind.)”
—Joe’s folks

“I am awake.  Life is suffering, but not to worry.”
—Buddha

“Life is great.  May I have more ice cream?  (Why am I asking?  Of course I can!  I’m a Prince.  Life is great.)  You!—get me more ice cream.  You know, one of these days I’d like to go for a walk outside.  How do I get there?”
—The young Buddha

“Boy, do I wish I hadn’t written that book. . . .  It won’t die.  Now they’re using it as a guide to business.  Ah, que buffone!  I guess those wannabe Princes don’t know it got me sent to prison.  And can’t they tell it’s <satirico>?”
—Machiavelli

“Life is a mystery.  Light the fire, smith the metal, and you’ll have a poem.”
—Brigit

“I’m not sure; there is a new life policy coming into effect.  Go check with that young man who’s all over the news these days.  You’ve seen him; the one with the long hair and sandals.  He has lots of followers.  Sheesh, this celebrity culture is really getting out of hand.”
—St. Brigit

“Life is short; play with your dog.”
—St. Francis

“Be good.”
—God

“It is what is is, and it sounds beautiful.”
—Finn Mac Cumhaill

“Not so fast.  Wait for Nietzsche. (And what are you doing here anyway, Finn?  You do not exist.)”
—Kierkegaard

“It is not what it is.  Well, maybe what I said isn’t it . . .”
—Schrödinger

“God is dead.”
—Nietzsche

“Nietzsche is dead.  Um, God, can I have a treat now?”
—God’s dog

“Life is in and out and up and down.  Make sure you give your humans lots of chances to pass the time: go over to the door every few minutes so they can drop what they are doing and open it for you.  They love that.  You can tell, because they give you treats after.  Or before, depending on your perspective.  Plus, they even make videos and show them to people all around the world on that weird flat fishbowl thingie they’re always hunching over and swearing or laughing.  (Hence my suggestion about the door.)  So try to do lots of outlandish things so they’ll get lots of likes.  I dunno how it works, but no matter; I’m up to my tail in toy mice and purple haze thanks to the royalties.  You should come over some time; we’ll party.”
—Schrödinger’s neighbor’s cat

“There, there.  I hear you.  I send my compassion.”
—Kuan Yin

“Happy 82d birthday, Grandpa!  Can you remind me who won the 1947 World Series?  I always forget.”
—Joe’s daughter

“The Yankees beat the Dodgers.  (That’s when they were the Brooklyn Dodgers.)  Seven games.  Jackie Robinson played for the Dodgers.  I hope the Red Sox will win just once in my lifetime; it’s been since before I was born.  That Darned Bambino.  (Not you, Bambina.)”
—Joe’s father-in-law, Giuseppe

“Wasn’t that the first year Jackie Robinson played with the Dodgers?—Ergo, the first World Series with a desegregated statius?  In the Coliseum, they would have called that intermisceo.  That reminds of something funny . . .”
—Joe’s husband, Professor of the History of the Culture of the Economics of Roman Sporting and Comedy 

“Wow, you must have read my History™!  I said that long before we became æther-Friends™.  No, you didn’t do research?  Are you sure?  You seem to know a lot.  I guess you must have a prodigious memory.  Anyway, moving on. . . .  But wait, are you sure?  Really?  Okay, okay.”
—Dr. Jay

“You’ve been in here a long time.  You really should get outside.  You already posted and still you keep revising.  Plus, your list keeps getting longer.  Blagues are supposed to be pithy.  If you confuse ’em, you’re gonna lose ’em.”
—IAmNotMakingUp (to me)

“What are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?”
—Mary Oliver

“Um, are you guys done?  Can we play fetch now? [Diabolical laugh.  Wag wag wag.]”
—Joe’s dog

—Posted by Rose Marie McSweeney

Advertisements